Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
