that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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