I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
