there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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