Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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