just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We are all done wearing pants today
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
