I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
