allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
