Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
