Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
