somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think I died a long time ago.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
