you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
