Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just invented taco cereal.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
