Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
