Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Is it because I queefed?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone shattered a urinal.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
All the doctor said was why
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
