i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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