She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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