She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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