Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
