and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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