He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
