I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
