Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
