i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
