Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
