There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize