plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the condom got lost in my hair
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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