What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize