I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
