I'm drive I can fine osifer
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
