My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize