I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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