His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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