We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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