Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The ass gains better be worth it
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