If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
