Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
