I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize