My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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