Whod you bang
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
