My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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