Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
