Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
