So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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