john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
