i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize