I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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