I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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