She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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