There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
