Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
should my penis look like a turkey
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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