We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
