something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
