What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
