did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
