I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize