ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
