Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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