The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
